If Only
by goduenas
Summary: Somehow, Rangiku and Gin knew all along. Chapter 4 is up!
1. Fail

**If Only**

Disclaimer: Bleach is owned by Kubo Tite. I'm just a fan.

A/N: I'm on the side of the people wanting Gin to live. He's the coolest character that ever lived.

* * *

I failed.

I did all these things for her. I joined Aizen for her. I killed shinigamis and innocent civilians for her. I let all the people who looked up to me down. I left her for a reason. And that reason is to change this fucking world we live in right now. I wanted to change the world full of evil, greed and pride. I wanted to change it so that i can show her that her existence is not made for her to experience sadness and despair. I wanted to make a world she won't ever have to frown nor cry on.

I wanted her to never cry.

I wanted to make her so happy.

I failed.

I failed not because I didn't succeed in eliminating Aizen from the face of the universe. I failed because I had all the chance to fulfill the promise i gave her but i failed.

I failed to make her stop crying.

I failed to make her happy.

Just now, I realized something essential...

I wasted all those years for less important and irrelevant things. The world would never be perfect even if I succeeded. I should not have worn those blood-stained shinigami robes. I should have looked her in the eye and seen the desire for me not to go but stay. I should have just stayed with her in that lonely shack and spent all those years with her instead of gradually losing her because of my foolish ambitions. I should have just moved on and worried more about making her happy at the moment even with simplest things instead of worrying about bringing the past some justice.

Revenge only resulted to epic failure.

We could have had a family, children running around the house while we helped each other lovingly. She would have been happy with that.

I would have been...

If only i have realized it earlier...

If only I thought of her more than revenge...

If only...

But it's too late now...

I can feel the tears of grief touching my bare skin. I can hear her disturbed voice. I can hear my name in wails. I can feel her heart breaking, tearing apart.

I HATE MYSELF! CURSE YOU GIN!

I hate myself for giving her the reason to cry for eternity.

I KNOW AN APOLOGY IS NOT A BIT ENOUGH TO EASE THE PAIN SHE WILL FOREVER BE ENDURING. But it's the least I can do. But with a heavy heart...

I am glad to say sorry.

Rangiku... please don't cry...

I'm not worthy of your tears...

* * *

I am really in bad vibes "BV" when i realized Gin is dying. So, I give a tribute to him.

Thanks to my classmates for making me laugh

Tomorrow, let's laugh again so that i can ease the pain this f*cking manga chapter is causing me

GIN RAN FOREVER...SOLID!

My twitter account: Please follow me. This is not my actual account. This is just for fan fiction purposes

/#!/prvrtdinnocence


	2. Linger

Chapter2

A/N: I actually did a part two. I hope it's okay. I really need to improve. sigh...

* * *

I cry.

What is this new feeling? I haven't felt it before. Is this guilt? Or is this regret? Is this my fear of losing you taking over me? It's a mix. It's making me lose my mind. Tears are forming in my eyes and are rolling on my blood-stained face. I can hear myself, my voice echoing in great distances. I can see myself crying, shouting your name.

You weaken.

I can see you breathe like there's no air, stare at me like there's no tomorrow, cough like you've lost your very lungs, and hold me like it's the last time. You're stained with blood- your blood.

Why?

Why did you have to do this? For what you have done, you suffer greatly in Hade's arms.

It's me, right?

Everything – every stupid thing you have ever done was for me. You never even thought about your own. Ever since you met me, I've given you nothing but the path to your very own destruction.

If only

If only I wasn't so weak, I wouldn't have been beaten up by those people. If only I was strong, I would have stood up for me and my own weaknesses. If only I was brave, I could have said no. I could have stopped you from being a shinigami. If only I had the courage, I could have told you. If only I was honest, I could have told you I needed you. I could have said I needed you by my side. But no, I wasn't so you left me just when I needed you the most. If only I was early, I could have been there to stop you from doing these stupid things. But I was the one too late. If only I didn't let you go when that blinding light flashed from the sky, you would have been with me. And If only I told you how I really felt towards you, this would not have happened. If only I told you "I love you" and not "I love you, friend," things would not have ended up like this.

I am full of regrets because I've thrown away everything and now that it's already gone, I miss it. Why am I such an idiot?

We could have had a life far off better than this. But all of that now, is just but a dream.

If only.

There is no law or tradition that says we are not meant to be. But why does life make it too hard for us? We are paramours in this life, but in the next, no more. Nothing can alleviate this suffering I am enduring right now.

I cry. You die. I linger. I suffer.

If only.

Till we meet again, Silver.

* * *

A/N:I do believe in love, i do.

Oh well, the vow is only TILL DEATH DO US PART.

I believe that you should love a person even after death has come


	3. Last Goodbye

**If Only**

Disclaimer: Bleach is owned by Kubo Tite. I'm just a fan.

The song that inspired this chapter is David Cook's The Last Goodbye. It belongs to the rightful owners.

A/N: I actually updated. It's been ages! Anyway, this is actually a flashback (Gin's POV). Hmm, I'm thinking about putting a lot of flashbacks. Those regrets of the pair. So yeah, this is the part (episode 63) where Gin leaves Rangiku again. I really love this pairing. I hope it would never die.

* * *

**Chapter 3 - The Last goodbye**

You were holding my hand, your blade ready to slit my throat. You said that i should not move. I didn't. I wished i never had to move. Aizen was there, narrating his plan. I didn't care about it at all. I never cared anyway. All I cared about was you. I said I was a snake, devouring everything that comes in the way. I lied. I didn't want to kill anyway. I just wanted to achieve my goal, my goal for you. As Aizen talked, I stood still. I could smell your scent. That scent, which I kept on missing.

I could hear you breathe. I could hear your thoughts. Maybe, you're wondering why I am doing this. Maybe, just maybe, you were wondering how we did both turn up in a situation like this. And maybe, you were wondering if truly loved you. I wish I could answer all your questions but I fear it will all be unanswered. But please, don't think that these feelings are just pure pretenses. You don't know what I am doing.

Aizen was cornered by Yoruichi and Sui-feng. We were surrounded. Aizen smiled. The sky split open and countless Menos appeared. The Menos emit a Negacion. The light struck at my direction. Your reflexes told you to move away from me. I gasped. Why did you have to release me sooner than I needed? As you were moving away from me, I tried to reach you but to no avail. I looked back at you.

"It would have been nice if my capture lasted a little longer. Farewell, Rangiku. Sorry."

That moment, I frowned. I was sad, but still. I didn't know that was the last time I was going to say goodbye to you. I didn't know that was my last "sorry" to you.

I didn't want to lose you

Leave you with a broken heart

But wherever we are, we're miles apart

I know that we tried, but this is the last goodbye

I saw that pang of fear that struck you. 'Gin's going away' I saw a tear fall down from your eye. I wanted to go back to you and hug you but I couldn't. I was trapped. If only I could. If only. I could have. It could've been the turning point of my life. But no, I needed to go on. I needed to kill Aizen.

Oh, I didn't want to let you go

But wherever we are, we're miles apart

I know that we tried, but this is the last goodbye

Rangiku, you have all the right to hate me, to loathe me. I do not deserve to be loved by such a person like you. I'm sorry that I made you fall for such a person like me. I am a failure. We shouldn't even have met. But it's all fine now. I know someone is bound to love you more than how I love you. I know someone is bound to love you better than I do. You will be forever that we were never.

I looked at you for the last time. That would be my last memory of you. But how I wish we would have never parted. If only, the world wasn't like this. If only, our world was perfect. If only.

I am sad for myself but I am happy for you. At least you're days with the good for nothing Gin is over. At least you're going to meet the man for you. At least….

Goodbye Rangiku. I'm sorry. I truly am.

* * *

Belated Happy Death Anniversary to Gin Ichimaru. No, no, it's not happy. It's a freaking death anniversary. Rangiku, please be well. Endure the pain.

I hope Kubo tite will miraculously put in the manga that Gin is still alive. Pray!

Hello MasochisticHero

By the way, this chapter is less emotional than the earlier ones...


	4. Lost

Chapter 4

A/N: And after two and a half thousand years, I updated.

* * *

As Gin closed his eyes shut, all I could do was cry harder. I knew the time was near, so near. I wanted to tell him everything. It had been a long time since we talked. I wanted him to know. But somehow, I thought he knew. He did.

We've been with together since forever. He was my first memory. He found me. He was the reason I survived. And since the he had been the reason why I lived. Through the years, I'd come to know him better, but just a little bit better. He was a mystery, an enigma. I knew he had something in his mind that I'll never know. And I think I knew it all along. I just denied the fact because I, too, had denials.

I held his hand. It was so cold, like the skin of a snake. But yes, it was smooth. It reminded me of the nights he would caress my face with his slender hands. Oh, how I missed those nights.

Oh, how I missed him so.

Gin twitched. It was as if he wanted to relay a message to me. I didn't know what. He put his right hand on his left chest. He was pointing at his heart. _Does it ache Gin? Yes mine too. _It hurt me so much to see him like this. He had always been identified to be evil but whenever I saw his face, I saw an angel. Yes, his face, his beautiful face was like that of an angel's. And he was my angel. I knew he was sent to save me. He was sent for me.

But now I couldn't even save him.

I didn't know what to do anymore. His time was running short. I knew this was the only time for me to tell him. Oh why, why hadn't I told him this before? We had all those years. And now I felt that all were wasted to nothing.

"Gin…"

As his name escaped my lips, I saw a tear fall from his eye. It gave me pain.

"Please don't cry, Gin…"

"It hurts, Gin"

Gin opened his eyes one last time.

"Gin, you don't have to be sorry."

More tears fell from his eyes. With that, more tears fell from mine as well.

"I'm an idiot. I never told you, Gin…"

I tightened my grip on his hand. It was getting colder. Damn, please give me more time.

"I love you"

As I uttered those words, Gin smiled. He silently laughed. It was as if he wasn't dying. It seemed as though he was the happiest man that ever lived. I smiled as well. Somehow, we both knew those words were meant for each other. We knew we felt it all along.

And that fact saddened me. I was happy the feeling did exist. But oh how hard it is for me to accept that after this, it would be just a feeling, moreover a memory. Our dreams would never be realized. Our dreams of being together at last.

But somehow, we were together. And that would never change.

I leaned to kiss his forehead.

"Thank you"

* * *

A/N: The time you accept something is the start of moving on. So, I have updated. Yes, there's more to come. Please do read and review my ongoing AU fan fiction 'Rain on Me'


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